Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
