whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
