M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
