If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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