I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
