OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You left your phone here
Wait...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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