Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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