so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
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I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
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I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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