she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
