u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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