I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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