Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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