she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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