I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
