if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
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His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
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Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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