I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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