Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
