break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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