I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
