I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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