So drunk its hurt
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
