I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
