either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
