so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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