that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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