He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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