Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
