She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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