if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
