i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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