I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
