I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
