I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
