I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
