I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
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Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
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Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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