final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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