So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
