so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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