...so i touched it.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
