cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
