I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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