So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
