Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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