Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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