he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
