She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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