god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
