My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
