My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
