ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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