There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
