I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
