I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
