your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
