OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
