Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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