Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
